Life Update.
So I realized that I haven't actually updated on the millions (of course that is an exaggeration) of things that have gone on in my life over the past few months. I am going to list them here, and then tackle one each day for the next couple of days. Hopefully that will help me to reorganize my blog, and create a more functional view of everything that is going on in my life.
Here goes nothing...
1. China (done in three parts, one dedicated to each city)
2. Internship
3. Advocacy stuff
4. New Orleans planning/past
5. Summer plans
6. The Vagina Monologues and Week of Domestic Violence Awareness
Guess I should start today. :)
Labels: advocacy, china, internship, life, nola, summer, update
Confusion runs my life.
I'm done with trying to understand the world anymore, nothing seems to make sense. So turns out I was right, he lied to me through it all. It hurts bad to know that he couldn't even tell me what was going on, that he wanted to hide it from me, that he didn't care enough about me to just tell me.
Right now, I'm not sure where I stand, I am trying hard to be rational, and keep my emotions in check. I figured a few things out, I do want him in my life, in what position I don't know. But I do know that I can't live without him, even if we are only friends for life. He means a lot to me, I share a lot with him, he offers me a lot of support. However, on the negative side of that, he also has caused me a lot of pain. Pain that could have been avoided, but which I recognize was done for reasons outside of his consciousness. I have been using my therapy sessions with Leslie to figure a lot of this out. We talked about our both of our sides, since she had him last year she knows all about his past, and I really do think that he was in a sense testing me. I am sure he didn't recognize it, but I do believe this is a possible answer to the why.
As for my side of it, he scares me, because of the signals he sets off in my head. It creates me to want to shut down, to just push away, which doesn't help him at all, and therefore we are beating each other with our histories.
In reality, I don't know what to do yet, I doubt I will cut him out completely, because I recognize that I need him in my life. However, I really don't know what I want with him anymore. In my gut, I want to be with him, but rationally I realize that it isn't a good place for either of us right now, and maybe not ever.
I've done a lot of looking into who I am recently, with my CPE process, and it makes me happy to know that I have so much to offer. I can change my future, I have the potential to not deal with stress the way my mother deals with stress, to have a level head, and seek love that I deserve, and not put up with half assed love, because I deserve more.
I learned so much this summer, and I learned how to be able to open myself up to other people, to share what is really going on in my life, and to trust that other people will support me on it. I've found my voice, I've learned ways to get what i want, but stating what I need. I loved this entire summer, sure it hasn't always been a blast, but it sure has been informative. I've grown immensely.
Thank you Leslie, thank you my awesome CPE group. Thank you God. :)
Labels: CPE, desire, despair, fights, God, him, learning, love, myself, summer
End of the Begining.
And it has come, the end to the beginning of my seminary career. It has been a transformational, informational, and fruitful first year.
It amazes me how much I can still learn about myself, my relation to God, and my future vocation. People have such complex edges to them, and I am able to help them through some of the biggest celebrations and mournings they will ever have. I have the opportunity to celebrate, cry, laugh, and grow with many people. Not many people can say that their job can bring them even closer to their faith.
Although I understand that I am just showing God's light through me, it's awesome that I get to be a bystander and facilitator of that power. Think about it...I get to preach God's word, wow! I get to proclaim the good news to everyone. To share with people the grace that God gives each on of us, and to comfort them with the knowledge that God loves them and everyone so much, that God saves us through our faith in Jesus Christ's death for each of us. God died, so that God may save us.
What a powerful message I get to deliver? What a powerful comfort I am able to facilitate to people? Each day I realize in greater detail that God called me for a reason. God called me to share with people the talents and care that I have inherently within me.
Seminary has been an awesome experience in itself. I connected on multiple levels to people here, had theological discussions, wrote some formative papers, explored myself, and came out as an empowered and excited woman. I think this year has truly been the year that I came into my own. I grew, I formed my own opinions and ideas, I explored those ideas in papers, I formed my theology, I got a voice. A voice which will be shown throughout the rest of my career. I have the power to challenge the intellectual aspects of Christianity and theology, and I have the heart to connect deeply and care for those people who are in need of seeing God's love.
I have realized a lot about what I would hope for my ministry. I have chosen to have urban ministry be my concentration. A choice, which I think God has also called me to, in that I feel very connected to the situations that people in urban settings go through, and I also would like to challenge current systems that are in place in urban settings, creating social change, breaking social codes, and striving for social justice.
Overall, I think I am more excited about seminary now, then when I first entered. It's just where I am meant to be, and I'm glad that God finally got through and I listened. :)
This post was more for myself, then anything, to document where I have come from and how I have changed. Here's to a great summer being a chaplain. *raises glass*
Have a great summer kids! I shall post about my experience as a Chaplain as I can, but my hours will be crazy, so no promises.
Pace e bene.
Labels: change, chaplain, first year, grace, LTSP, seminary, summer, urban ministry
