Confusion runs my life.
I'm done with trying to understand the world anymore, nothing seems to make sense. So turns out I was right, he lied to me through it all. It hurts bad to know that he couldn't even tell me what was going on, that he wanted to hide it from me, that he didn't care enough about me to just tell me.Right now, I'm not sure where I stand, I am trying hard to be rational, and keep my emotions in check. I figured a few things out, I do want him in my life, in what position I don't know. But I do know that I can't live without him, even if we are only friends for life. He means a lot to me, I share a lot with him, he offers me a lot of support. However, on the negative side of that, he also has caused me a lot of pain. Pain that could have been avoided, but which I recognize was done for reasons outside of his consciousness. I have been using my therapy sessions with Leslie to figure a lot of this out. We talked about our both of our sides, since she had him last year she knows all about his past, and I really do think that he was in a sense testing me. I am sure he didn't recognize it, but I do believe this is a possible answer to the why.
As for my side of it, he scares me, because of the signals he sets off in my head. It creates me to want to shut down, to just push away, which doesn't help him at all, and therefore we are beating each other with our histories.
In reality, I don't know what to do yet, I doubt I will cut him out completely, because I recognize that I need him in my life. However, I really don't know what I want with him anymore. In my gut, I want to be with him, but rationally I realize that it isn't a good place for either of us right now, and maybe not ever.
I've done a lot of looking into who I am recently, with my CPE process, and it makes me happy to know that I have so much to offer. I can change my future, I have the potential to not deal with stress the way my mother deals with stress, to have a level head, and seek love that I deserve, and not put up with half assed love, because I deserve more.
I learned so much this summer, and I learned how to be able to open myself up to other people, to share what is really going on in my life, and to trust that other people will support me on it. I've found my voice, I've learned ways to get what i want, but stating what I need. I loved this entire summer, sure it hasn't always been a blast, but it sure has been informative. I've grown immensely.
Thank you Leslie, thank you my awesome CPE group. Thank you God. :)
Labels: CPE, desire, despair, fights, God, him, learning, love, myself, summer
posted by Dana @ 4:36 PM
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