Graduation, thoughts, and musings on completions...
My brother graduated. My baby brother graduated high school. Sachem North High School to be exact. I could not be prouder of him. :)
Funny how just being someplace makes you strike up old memories of places you thought you left behind. As I was walking over the field between South (or now the building called Samoset) to North, I remembered all the times I had played lacrosse on those fields, all the miles I had run for gym and track on burmer road, all the days that I spent thinking about science projects as I trecked to the North Gym to prepare for Winter Track. How life seemed so complicated then, and how it seems like it was so simple while reflecting back on it. Then I remembered how good it is to be rid of that place forever. I never really had a problem leaving high school, I never felt right in my skin during those years. I wasn't proud of who I was, or what I looked like to be exact. I especially was overly conscious of this fact, because it seemed like everyone else had already had a boyfriend or at the very least had kissed a boy. I hadn't done any of those things, I was shy, I was polite, and I surely wasn't a cheerleader. I did well in my classes, stayed quiet, and didn't get overly socially involved with anyone. My, have things changed.
I am self-confident now. I am proud of who I am, and I have found my niche in the world. I dont' care how many boys I've kissed, they were just boys, and some not really worth my time. I know what I want out of the world, I know what I am suppossed to be doing, and that is an awesome feeling. And that feeling didnt come from HS experiences, instead it came from growing up, from spreading my wings on my own, from failing, picking myself back up, and moving on to create something great. To create myself in that rebirth, to make up my own decisions, and not worry about what someone else thinks about what I am wearing or doing. I have a license to be myself, and I am damn glad.
This is what I hope for my brother. That he finds himself, and what is true for himself. I wish him all the luck in the world, and am here for all of the trips or falls on the way. He will do some awesome things I am sure of it.
As for other endings, I'm done with 'him'. I can't see myself with him, and I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't need his validation, and he surely doesn't treat me well enough to warrent any more attention. I'm happy with who I am, my independence, my compassion for others, and my pursuit of acheivement. Eventually, it would be nice to find the man I am meant to be with. Until then, I'll survive being me, and living my life to the fullest.
Labels: drama, highschool, Jesse, me, memories, school, thoughts, wishes
Homesick.
Yep, I said, homesick. I don't think I have felt this homesick in a long time. I miss my family, friends, house, Long Island, and most of all being away from seminary. I love it here, but I need a break for a little while.
CPE is draining, emotionally speaking. I feel like it's breaking down everything I thought about myself. Memories of my mother have become an enemy, shaping habits within myself that I now consciously need to break. Worse, I'm ashamed of them, and need to expose them to people I barely know, let alone sulk in them myself. This is going to be either a really great summer, or really shitty experience. I enjoy going and talking to patients, let alone how worrisome it might be, but I need to go through my own history so that I can improve how I can deal with people, and allow them to deal with their own histories and emotions. *sigh* Can't wait till I have to talk about cutting myself. I'm afraid to share it because of how one member of my group said she doesn't understand it. It's not that I wanted to commit suicide, it's just that I thought I deserved punishment, for not being perfect, and that seemed like a release that some people take. I tried it, and it made me sick. Physical pain is not something I can put myself through, emotional torture on the other hand I am skilled at.
Anyway, I just had to unload that. I hope everyone who is reading this realizes what vulnerability I just portrayed and leaves it as sacred space. I didn't admit any of that to be chastized, just to be heard. Thank you.
End of the Begining.
And it has come, the end to the beginning of my seminary career. It has been a transformational, informational, and fruitful first year.
It amazes me how much I can still learn about myself, my relation to God, and my future vocation. People have such complex edges to them, and I am able to help them through some of the biggest celebrations and mournings they will ever have. I have the opportunity to celebrate, cry, laugh, and grow with many people. Not many people can say that their job can bring them even closer to their faith.
Although I understand that I am just showing God's light through me, it's awesome that I get to be a bystander and facilitator of that power. Think about it...I get to preach God's word, wow! I get to proclaim the good news to everyone. To share with people the grace that God gives each on of us, and to comfort them with the knowledge that God loves them and everyone so much, that God saves us through our faith in Jesus Christ's death for each of us. God died, so that God may save us.
What a powerful message I get to deliver? What a powerful comfort I am able to facilitate to people? Each day I realize in greater detail that God called me for a reason. God called me to share with people the talents and care that I have inherently within me.
Seminary has been an awesome experience in itself. I connected on multiple levels to people here, had theological discussions, wrote some formative papers, explored myself, and came out as an empowered and excited woman. I think this year has truly been the year that I came into my own. I grew, I formed my own opinions and ideas, I explored those ideas in papers, I formed my theology, I got a voice. A voice which will be shown throughout the rest of my career. I have the power to challenge the intellectual aspects of Christianity and theology, and I have the heart to connect deeply and care for those people who are in need of seeing God's love.
I have realized a lot about what I would hope for my ministry. I have chosen to have urban ministry be my concentration. A choice, which I think God has also called me to, in that I feel very connected to the situations that people in urban settings go through, and I also would like to challenge current systems that are in place in urban settings, creating social change, breaking social codes, and striving for social justice.
Overall, I think I am more excited about seminary now, then when I first entered. It's just where I am meant to be, and I'm glad that God finally got through and I listened. :)
This post was more for myself, then anything, to document where I have come from and how I have changed. Here's to a great summer being a chaplain. *raises glass*
Have a great summer kids! I shall post about my experience as a Chaplain as I can, but my hours will be crazy, so no promises.
Pace e bene.
Labels: change, chaplain, first year, grace, LTSP, seminary, summer, urban ministry
