Seminary Conclusions.

Homesick.

Yep, I said, homesick. I don't think I have felt this homesick in a long time. I miss my family, friends, house, Long Island, and most of all being away from seminary. I love it here, but I need a break for a little while.

CPE is draining, emotionally speaking. I feel like it's breaking down everything I thought about myself. Memories of my mother have become an enemy, shaping habits within myself that I now consciously need to break. Worse, I'm ashamed of them, and need to expose them to people I barely know, let alone sulk in them myself. This is going to be either a really great summer, or really shitty experience. I enjoy going and talking to patients, let alone how worrisome it might be, but I need to go through my own history so that I can improve how I can deal with people, and allow them to deal with their own histories and emotions. *sigh* Can't wait till I have to talk about cutting myself. I'm afraid to share it because of how one member of my group said she doesn't understand it. It's not that I wanted to commit suicide, it's just that I thought I deserved punishment, for not being perfect, and that seemed like a release that some people take. I tried it, and it made me sick. Physical pain is not something I can put myself through, emotional torture on the other hand I am skilled at.

Anyway, I just had to unload that. I hope everyone who is reading this realizes what vulnerability I just portrayed and leaves it as sacred space. I didn't admit any of that to be chastized, just to be heard. Thank you.

posted by Dana @ 7:09 PM