Confusion runs my life.
I'm done with trying to understand the world anymore, nothing seems to make sense. So turns out I was right, he lied to me through it all. It hurts bad to know that he couldn't even tell me what was going on, that he wanted to hide it from me, that he didn't care enough about me to just tell me.
Right now, I'm not sure where I stand, I am trying hard to be rational, and keep my emotions in check. I figured a few things out, I do want him in my life, in what position I don't know. But I do know that I can't live without him, even if we are only friends for life. He means a lot to me, I share a lot with him, he offers me a lot of support. However, on the negative side of that, he also has caused me a lot of pain. Pain that could have been avoided, but which I recognize was done for reasons outside of his consciousness. I have been using my therapy sessions with Leslie to figure a lot of this out. We talked about our both of our sides, since she had him last year she knows all about his past, and I really do think that he was in a sense testing me. I am sure he didn't recognize it, but I do believe this is a possible answer to the why.
As for my side of it, he scares me, because of the signals he sets off in my head. It creates me to want to shut down, to just push away, which doesn't help him at all, and therefore we are beating each other with our histories.
In reality, I don't know what to do yet, I doubt I will cut him out completely, because I recognize that I need him in my life. However, I really don't know what I want with him anymore. In my gut, I want to be with him, but rationally I realize that it isn't a good place for either of us right now, and maybe not ever.
I've done a lot of looking into who I am recently, with my CPE process, and it makes me happy to know that I have so much to offer. I can change my future, I have the potential to not deal with stress the way my mother deals with stress, to have a level head, and seek love that I deserve, and not put up with half assed love, because I deserve more.
I learned so much this summer, and I learned how to be able to open myself up to other people, to share what is really going on in my life, and to trust that other people will support me on it. I've found my voice, I've learned ways to get what i want, but stating what I need. I loved this entire summer, sure it hasn't always been a blast, but it sure has been informative. I've grown immensely.
Thank you Leslie, thank you my awesome CPE group. Thank you God. :)
Labels: CPE, desire, despair, fights, God, him, learning, love, myself, summer
It gets so hard to walk away...
from you. I think I can do it, then you drag me right back with sweet talk. I did stand up for myself though. I told you how I feel, I told you how you affected me. You say that you care for me deeply. Do you know what that does to me? My heart leapt when you said that. You mean a ton to me. I've shared so much with you. Don't hurt me again. And I know you can't promise that, but I need you to at least care about me enough to set things straight with her. I can't promise you that I will be around and willing to wait for long. There are other guys that want to date me, and I let you know that I did go out with a few of them. I won't turn down their advances the next time. I deserve someone that truly will treat me like I am the world to them. Make me your world, and you will surely be mine, hell you already are. I think about you all the time, I can't get you out of my head. I try hard, I try to push you away, I try to make myself hate you, but I can't. Don't play me, it's not fair, not after all I have been through.
*sigh* Sorry for that, I just needed to get it out here. I told him all that mostly, but sometimes it's hard to share things with him. I know acting out my history isn't helpful to our relationship, but I can't not shut down when someone that I care about seems like they are leaving me. It's why I shut out Steven, it was easier that way. I am still mourning that relationship.
Alright, as for the rest of life...things are going pretty well. Jesse went off to SUNY Maritime last week. CPE is going well, stressful and forming, but well. I can't wait for the new harry potter stuff. (I know, I'm a dork.)
I think that's about it for now. I will try to post a more significant post sometime in the future. I need to finish reading some theology books and then I will post some new insights into religion.
Peace.
Labels: CPE, feelings, him, Jesse, me, my little girl, relationship, theology
It's official...
I hate him.
He ripped out my heart, and stomped all over it. It's sad, but I am not sure I can trust guys any more. I think he ruined me. I feel so jaded. Why can't I just find someone that loves me, and doesn't use me?
Oh wait, that's right, I fucked that one up! I had a great guy that loved me for who I am, and I ran away because I was scared.
I just wish I didn't feel like this anymore. I just want someone to love me, to care about me. Is that too much to ask for? Apparently.
I love that I attract guys that use me, or rather I let them use me. I'm done. I am done with this shit. No one will have power over my life anymore but me. I deserve respect.
To the asshole...
If you think I am just going to let you slide this time, you are sadly mistaken. I will ruin you. You can take that as a promise and a challenge. You think that you can make me not tell people about who you really are, guess again sweetheart, I'm going to make sure you are known for who you really are. And here you didn't want drama, well guess what, you got a scorned woman on your hands now. Be ready to fucked over, because I will surely make sure you never achieve anything in this field, and I will surely be telling her what you tell me and what you do to me. Fuck you! I'm the one that will win this game.
Ends that needed to be tied up.
I emailed my ex-boyfriend's sister yesterday. It was too long without knowing how he was doing, I needed to know. She says she doesn't hate me, at least I was truthful with my actions. She also told me that he is doing well, has a good job, and a new car. I'm so happy for him, and so sad for me. I hate what I did to him. I wish I hadn't been so stupid. Hopefully, I will be able to see that he is happy in life, thus ending my extreme guilt at destroying any confidence that he had. I do love him, even after a year, those feelings are still there. I still remember our first kiss...and him saying, "Damn, you are so beautiful." [I'm crying now] I miss him. I wish things were different, and it's all my fault.
I have recognized that the 'he' that is present in my life, doesn't really love me or care about me. He is using me, and I need to comprehend that and leave him alone. I can't keep being treated like this, its destroying me. As much as I wanted us to work out so bad, it's just not going to happen. He is a player, and he doesn't even care about me enough to tell off or leave alone that bitch. I feel bad for her. But I will surely never be her friend again.
On the upside of things, I am moving into my own apartment this week. Jocelyn and I are renting a two bedroom apartment together, and its awesome! It feels great to finally be out on my own, having my own place, off campus, being responsible for me, buying furniture, signing a lease, doing grown up things. :) I hope this move changes situational things, now he can't come see me whenever he wants. And I can escape bad habits, becoming myself again, and losing the stupid crap I've fallen into in the past year. I wanted someone so bad, and he took advantage of that, well I am done now. He is done. I'm sorry, but I can't live with you in my life anymore. Goodbye, I hope you have fun in Albany for the next few days, but honey what you don't realize is when you left, you left my heart as well. Good bye.
Labels: apartment, changes, ex, growing up, him, job, steven
