Seminary Conclusions.

Ends that needed to be tied up.

I emailed my ex-boyfriend's sister yesterday. It was too long without knowing how he was doing, I needed to know. She says she doesn't hate me, at least I was truthful with my actions. She also told me that he is doing well, has a good job, and a new car. I'm so happy for him, and so sad for me. I hate what I did to him. I wish I hadn't been so stupid. Hopefully, I will be able to see that he is happy in life, thus ending my extreme guilt at destroying any confidence that he had. I do love him, even after a year, those feelings are still there. I still remember our first kiss...and him saying, "Damn, you are so beautiful." [I'm crying now] I miss him. I wish things were different, and it's all my fault.

I have recognized that the 'he' that is present in my life, doesn't really love me or care about me. He is using me, and I need to comprehend that and leave him alone. I can't keep being treated like this, its destroying me. As much as I wanted us to work out so bad, it's just not going to happen. He is a player, and he doesn't even care about me enough to tell off or leave alone that bitch. I feel bad for her. But I will surely never be her friend again.

On the upside of things, I am moving into my own apartment this week. Jocelyn and I are renting a two bedroom apartment together, and its awesome! It feels great to finally be out on my own, having my own place, off campus, being responsible for me, buying furniture, signing a lease, doing grown up things. :) I hope this move changes situational things, now he can't come see me whenever he wants. And I can escape bad habits, becoming myself again, and losing the stupid crap I've fallen into in the past year. I wanted someone so bad, and he took advantage of that, well I am done now. He is done. I'm sorry, but I can't live with you in my life anymore. Goodbye, I hope you have fun in Albany for the next few days, but honey what you don't realize is when you left, you left my heart as well. Good bye.

Labels: apartment, changes, ex, growing up, him, job, steven

posted by Dana @ 6:39 PM