Dark Place.
I'm mad. I'm so extremely mad. But, I'm also sad, and hurt, and scared. That's right, I'm four out of five emotions, and none of them are good. I'd go on to analyze myself via my CPE skills (thank you Little Leslie that lives in my head), but I don't know that I can handle that right now.
I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to still have this kind of reaction, but I am. I just want to forget all of it, I want to forget I ever knew you. I want to forget the good and the bad, because it's all just too much. I'm broken now. I've been broken for a while, and I don't know how to fix myself.
I know I need to rely on God for this transformation, but it hurts so much waiting. Why can't it just be easy? Why did I have to be the one that got f'ed over? Is there something wrong with me? As Meredith says, "I'm dark and twisty." I don't want to be that any more. I want to be just 'glad.' Happy, content, joyful even. Yet, I can only hold down: sad, mad, hurt and scared. How did I get here? How did I let it get so far? How could I think he would change?
I'm sad for that chick. Because he hasn't changed at all. He doesn't even realize that it's him that messed me up. No, I can't do this. I can't talk about him anymore. It's done. He's done and gone. He never existed. Done.
Labels: dark, hurt, pain, twisty
When loss happens...
Tragedy is part of the human condition, I realize this, but why so much?
Yeah, I'm being philosophical at the moment, but it truly is related to events in my own life. Here I am at a crux in my training to become a pastor, and yet, I'm surrounded by tragedy. This week one of my classmates died of cancer, he was a friend of mine, a kind soul, and destined to be an amazing pastor, and yet he wasn't given that opportunity. Why? I know everyone questions why someone dies, but I can't help it. I know in my soul that God has reasons, that there is nothing done out of a plan, that this was meant for a bigger purpose, but why now? Why have him start seminary, be so ready and right for the job of spreading the Gospel, and take that away from him? Was sending him to seminary so that he could get closer to you? and be ready for this step? or was it for me? So that I and the people that had an opportunity to meet him and grow with him, were able to be with him, even if only for a short time? Or was it both? or none? I'm sure there could be many answers to these questions, and I trust in God's plan. Jerry, you were a joyful gracious presence in my life, and I thank you. May the grace and comfort of God's loving touch be with you, and touch all your family that is suffering.
So not only did a classmate pass away, but a classmate's mother died suddenly. We as humans don't fully understand the reasoning behind tragedy, and we deal with it differently. Some of us get bitter, taking it out on those that we love that still surround us, others take to doing reckless things, some pretend it didn't happen, but we all suffer. We suffer together as a human race, at the pain that is with us. We are one body, and we suffer together. This is important to me at this moment. To know that we are in this together, that I am with all their family as the grieve, knowing that however brief the encounter, or even never having met someone, everyone on this planet has affected my life. We are in a never-ending cycle, and that is something we need to remember.
I wonder if one day, instead of destroying each other, we can stand together to weather the storm that is human tragedy. To stand and support one another, in and through the Grace of God.
Memories will survive, although the body will not. Legacies are passed throughout the generations, and so none of us shall ever be forgotten, or unimportant, but rather we all effect the future and have been changed by the present and past.
Labels: death, grace, life, loss, love, pain
